Silently Dual.

I am speaking for the ones who have learned how to live, the ones who know the struggle and have chosen how to overcome.

I am transgender. But I don't call myself by my other name.

You know the one that I had to create an identity for. 

I don't cross-dress (anymore), because I feel my identity as both male and female is more important than establishing myself as the gender I associate with.

It wasn't until middle school where I realized that I was different. I am born a girl, with two younger sisters. My childhood was distinctly feminine: pink, frills, dresses, Barbies, and other similar girly things.

I love Barbies, even as a boy.

Yet, not being able to understand womanhood on an instinctual level was difficult for me. I struggled with my first period (my younger sister had to show me how to install my first sanitary pad.) I was never enamored with the sexual appeal of breasts. And, I still liked boys. (Does that make me gay?) It wasn't until college when a word surfaced for this: transgender.




I thought it only existed for the select few and far in-between. Not for me. Then it clicked. The universe made sense. It extends past the yearning to wear masculine clothing. I couldn't deny that I was a girl too, with breasts and a period. There was no mistaking it.

I don't understand this current transgender movement. I don't know why my generation chooses to eschew the norm of being able to function as their born-gender. What I do understand the is the lack of self-worth, the low self-esteem, and need for self-identity.

Being transgender will do that to you, but it shouldn't be happening like this. My generation is throwing away the gender you physically are to become the gender you were born as and it's completely useless. Gone are the Nancy's, now they're all Nicholas's. Matthew's are all becoming Michelle's. For what? For confidence? More acceptance? How about accepting the gender that you were born with in the first place? How about being confident that you ARE transgender to begin with?

It's like a nerdy kid throwing away all of his games and comic books for hockey sticks and a jersey so he could fit in. You lose a part of yourself in the process, and for what? A little bit of social standing and even more acceptance? That is exactly what this transgender movement it becoming.

My subconscious had made a masculine name for me when I was in high school, which I would only use when regarding me, myself, and I. I never told anyone, never asked anyone to call me by my masculine name.

I didn't think it was necessary to proclaim to the whole world that I was holding two genders captive in one body. Nor was it necessary to proclaim that I have a doubled lack of self-confidence as both male and female.

So I accepted that I am both. I learned to accept my feminine softness and braise drama with my masculine tact. I lost myself in masculine tendencies of all things science-y while still wondering how I was going to take computers apart with freshly painted nails. I design with colorful, whimsical themes that are preceded by decidedly masculine sketches.

As a transgender male, it disgusts me to see women and girls throwing away their femininity for acceptance. Acceptance as being a transgender. Long hair is cut short, names chosen and society is asked to call them by the name of their choosing.

Being feminine for a transgender male is now being eschewed as weak and not strong enough to handle both genders at once. Girl, please.

The beauty of transgender is being both. Something even the most transgender females and drag queens understand (umm, hello Conchita Wurst.)

The lack of self-esteem is only a by-product of not knowing where you fit in. 

The confidence is a result of learning that you always have.